change me

Hello 2014. You know its only been minutes of 2014 rising into a new year, and yet the year so far, brought no luck. It brought depression, and so far, I am hating my life just as much as before. Exactly what was the point of changing everything, when I am still stuck in the past of my sorry reputation. My reputation of having no life, my reputation of doing projects and making excellent grades. No matter how much I changed, my reputation would remain. I couldn't erase the past, and just be pretty and popular. I'm not and never was popular. I am a loser, with no mom, no friends, no person who cares, no person who gives a damn about my life. If I did loose a few pounds, and change my hair, and change a few other things, who would notice... who would care. No one, because I am a no one. I realize my attempts to reverse my own status would not change anything. Change is supposed to be my cure for loser-itis. It's not. Honestly I shouldn't try, I should just not care. I should let people choose me, instead of choosing someone to dream to hang out with. I want, and need to change, but who gives a fuck about myself, or my decisions. I want escape, I want out of my sorry ass, unwanted life.

change is in the air, or is it me

New years eve. I can't say I haven't been looking forward to have a new year, and a new life. I had not been preparing to change myself, and I wanted to change myself. My resolution is exactly that, change everything, because change is everything. My blog tittle is so relevant. I need a change, and I found myself desperately craving the act of change.
My new years resolution, is probably the most complex, maybe cause making me a better version of maddie takes a lot. This year I will be working on getting skinny, I will change my hair, my diet will be permanent until I am my goal weight: 125, I will dress more hipster, I will get a boyfriend, I will have more friends, I will have hang outs more, I will find a way to make money.. babysitting, I will paint my nails more, I will play something athletic, I will get myself organized and on a schedule, and I will get better grades. Tonight, some will celebrate just a new year, but me, I will be starting over. I will change myself, hopefully love myself. Hopefully be new and improved, for the better.

I have 31 posts, 1 follower, and 0 comments, and even  0 views towards writings. Now I have page views, plenty, but that has nothing to do with myself pouring out all my feelings into these posts. Why am I upset. I should be happy that nobody cares about this dark hole in my heart, that this blog just relieves me of my feelings. I should actually say that I am satisfied with lack of caring. I was in the business of boring, and I still don't know why that upset me. I shouldn't be, I should be happy that no one would ever read this, or even have a clue. I am actually thrilled. Thanks.

Merry late Christmas

I found myself engulfed in irreplaceable presents, and something was missing. Maybe my happiness, maybe my success, maybe my encouragement, or maybe just my own damn opinions. I received one special present, that I outshine to the rest of my wonderful presents. I received this gorgeous, vintage, leather journal. The vintage look is probably the most convincing of it's beauty. I usually am never so fascinated on such an abstract object, but this is, everything I could ever want. Since this lovely journal has been brought into my possession, I haven't the slightest clue on what to write in this precious antique. I could portray my horrible live, or I could just write to my mother, or I could even just explain  my lessons in life, and how to solve your problems. I still don't know what to even dare start off with in my dear journal, but I know my mind can think of something useful, and creative. I hope.

pushing the limit

It seems all my problems are inside my household. Which is just fancy talk for my dad. We are always fighting, and when I come home, I always seem to be in a really pissy mood. I don't have a clue to why I treat him like dirt, but he gets real tired of it. He gets so tired of it, a simple calm remark sends in a rage of screams and shouts. I don't know why I push his buttons, its not like I enjoy it. I really don't enjoy him screaming his head off, and mixing in some rude comments. It all is just weakening. Not only that, but himself and I can literally go all night without apologizing, or even talking. The situation just increases, and I guess he just gets so angry because i'm so relentless. In my mind, I make comments to retaliate, but to his mind, it just seems out of the ordinary, and unnecessary. To be real, it is totally unnecessary. I shouldn't be so cruel, he is just a clueless parent, having no idea how to care or treat me like his daughter. My life is really fucked up, and i'm really fucked up to even it all out.


I hate my life.

daddy, are you there? Don't you care?

This is inspired by my dad. Well he, himself, is always a pity party. I wish he'd step out of his own sorry-life and look at his daughter's. I don't think I've ever been so down, and depressed before. Well that's a lie. My mother's death was just a start. It was a start to my new life, i'm currently living in now. I wish I could escape, the judgement, my school, my own damn house, everything, and just find a place. A place far, far away. A place I can just sit and think for hours with no worries. The only worry i'd have is coming back to this pitiful life, I can never escape. High school may be my best point, or it could be my breaking point. Whatever it is, I hope it ends with a lot of friends, and a lot of boys.
High school is off topic, the point is, knowing that no one is there, that the only people there are liars, and the people that do majority of the judging. Including my dad.

life is never easy

This year is my last year in middle school, which is good, but the pressure is on. 

My grades are flunking, and still currently without a tutor, i'm done for. I guess you could say that my grades are begging to incline, but their not good enough to get into private school. I kind of want to sink into the emptiness and not have to do anything, but i'm still here and I have to make it past this rough patch in my life. Suicide is an option, but not a well thought out solution. If I was to commit suicide, I would take precautions, and make sure that everyone had a clue to why I killed myself, and had memorable's. But to be completely practical, I should just life with the pain. It apparently is supposed to get better, when I get older, but who knows. Who knows, maybe I will become a famous writer, or just slide by as a little below average, like i'm attempting.  My attempt has been a success for the past months. I have to try, like now. I am trying, help?

"picture perfect"

Ha. Ha. Nah. You see, I thought that maybe, just maybe, the giggles, and mending friendship would mean something, but I guess not. It didn't really make sense too think that popular girls would out of their way to talk to me, no, I had to spike up a conversation just to receive a stupid five letter response. I should of known, I am a nobody. And I need to stop attempting to be something I can never be, happy.
Not even the wierdo squad fully wants me to join them. Sure, I chat up a striking conversation, but at least to them, it means something. But there is this one girl, who doesn't despise me, but she doesn't want me to listen to their gossip, or even do lame bathroom hangouts. I don't understand why, because everyone else is chill with it. She bosses me around, and i'm kinda sick of it. You could say I am a pushover. Which would really explain lots of things.
I always do what everyone else wants, I always allow people to say and do whatever they feel towards me, and I just never have my own opinion on certain topics. I let people trample all over me, without knowing what to respond with in return. I am just sensitive, and a pushover, and all around I just let everything affect me, even when it shouldn't. I can't help it. I want help. I need help.

Busch Gardens.

This happened last Friday on my schools field trip, so bare with the late writings. 

I have always feared one thing, more than most. I was never really put to face my fear, and so, it developed. But last Friday, surrounded by friends, and loving faces, I overcame it. I always feared roller coasters. Riding them, looking at them, picturing going on them. I was a freak of nature for disliking them, so I thought. Turns out, in that odd little group, I so desperately wanted to join, had a few commoners as I. Turns out, that group had four boys who didn't quite enjoy the nonsense also. I wasn't alone, and that made me happy. I always hesitated to talk to these boys from nervousness. But having something in common, welded a new friendship. I sat with them, had weird boy conversations, and laughed harder than I had ever laughed. I saw them today and instead of ignoring the whole Friday fun chaos, they greeted me. Every time I have a really good time with someone, they dismiss it, as if they have a reputation to keep. But not them, they were true friends. Truie

overwhelmed with joy

Lately all my days are basically the definition of sucky. And yet, today was a different. I actually laughed until my stomach hurt, and chatted with those I have been wanting to chat with. I was outgoing, and made others laugh. Sure within my overwhelming joy, there was some comments, but its not like they mattered. They didn't matter because I had friends, friends to back me up, and friends to just talk to. Today I felt like the happiest girl in the world. Usually, some huge, tragic event would take place and just ruin me, but, not today. Today is a new day, leading to the new year. Leading to the new me. The new skinny, the new outgoing, the new smart, the new me. I couldn't wait for someone else to change me into what I wanted. I had to take charge, and grab for the things I craved so desperately. I am no longer, the fat, depressed, and lonely girl people had depicted me as in 5th grade. I was becoming the new and improved, Madison Schmidt. And I was more than glad about it.

visitation, realization

Yesterday I saw my Aunt Priscilla. She really isn't mean and bitchy like I pictured her as when I was little. I thought she was a bad person, but she just isn't. She is sweet and extremely helpful. She is a talker though, and a complainer, but that, everyone is. I had a decent talk with her yesterday. She mentioned my mom, and how nobody lives forever, and how people all get too an end because nothing is forever. She is right. I can try and defend a useless tittle all I want, but it is the truth. Like my mother as a representation, she died at age 43. Obviously that isn't ridiculously young, but she is my mother, that is way to early to pass with a teenager. Forever is not forever. Friendships aren't forever, boyfriends aren't forever, life isn't forever. It is what it is.

classy titles

For awhile i've been ify on whether to share this or not, but it seems to keep crawling under my skin so, here we go. My dad and I are oddly close, which removes all barriers that most parents and children have.  I understand parents get angry, that they get very emotional too, I get that, but my dad always finds ways to be mean and rude because he feels like it. The cruel words he calls me just hurts me. He doesn't know, if he knew, he might stop, but maybe he wouldn't. He calls me "bitch" or "asshole" and on occasion "fucker". He also calls me fat, overweight, and heavy all in one example. He knows it hurts, but he doesn't care. He thinks i'm looking for some pity, but i'm truly just looking for someone to care. I'm just looking for one person, just one. One person to deal with my shitty attitudes sometimes, and my problems in school, and my problems in general. I need somebody, but I have no one. I have nothing. God, I am nothing.

keep on crushin'

If you are a common visitor, you should know my passion, my dream, my everything, is writing. Well my "lovely" teacher Ms. Jennifer, perished my one and only enjoyment. She said my writing sucked. Well she said everyone in her class was a sucky writer, but they don't care, I do. I care so deeply that my writing sucks. How am I supposed to pursue my dream when everyone around me wants to crush my only chance to be myself. I thought that my only good feature was my writing, but it isn't, which entails that I can't do anything good. I will never be good enough. I will never be cool, I will never be pretty, I will never have friends, No one will ever care. I have nothing.

sister, sister

My sister and I have never been close, like usual siblings. No, we really aren't the usual deal to be truthful. Her name is Niki. She seems to want more time with me, but you know, her business is booming, and she needs too collect her 1,000 dollars every three days. I understand, she has a wife who has to have her necessities. Clearly thanksgiving was yesterday, and my sister joined my father and I for his home-invented peppermint waffles. She stayed for a couple hours, and yet our conversation was very sparse. I felt that she wanted to talk to me, but she didn't know what to say. Maybe she didn't want to say anything. I am just saying, I wish I could of. But if her wife left the room, she held her phone in front of her face, and waited for the beloved to return. They had un-discussed giggles and comments together, and I found it super agitating, so I turned my back to them, frowned and did the dishes. I don't really know her, but her obvious details. Although, everyone knows her obvious details. I am basically everyone else to her. Nothing special usually. Which not to make this about me, but I am beyond used to that attention. "I love you, bye."

hardly anything

I know, I really know I can be better. I will change into the perfect, skinny, loving, smart girl I am dying to be. High school will be my transformation. High school will be where I will change, because change is everything, Change determines your friends, and your social ladder. I can change, because I have never wanted anything this bad before in my entire life.

if you say it, you obviously mean it

I am well aware of weight, everyone who if they even read my blog, know that I am fat. Apparently my own father has too take notice to it also. Now don't misinterpret this, everyone has a slip of the tongue, although when I encounter that slip, it hits me hard. My dad has mentioned my weight and knows I take it personally every time. Anyways, I was talking to him about planing one of my close friends birthdays tomorrow, and somehow money was brought up into the topic. And my loving father, points out my weight once again by saying I quote "Does it look like you miss a meal". I actually do skip meals, I never have breakfast and occasionally, my dad forgets to buy me lunch for school, so that answers the question, I do miss meals. Fat doesn't always relate to how much you eat, you clever man. I notify that i'm overweight but, he has no more for suggestions about my weight. No sir. My dad seems to think I eat everything, so now I will eat nothing.

an unforgettable passing

Everyone losses a friend or even a family member. Sure, typically you lose a grandmother or grandfather from an old age, or a sickness. Well, the others lose aunts or uncles, or cousins, and the unlucky ones lose siblings, or parents. Who did I lose is the big question, well i'll tell you. My mother. My one and only mother. Her name was Paula Blanco. I still relate to her as mommy, because, well she died as my mommy, therefore, she will always be my mommy. She died over four years ago, due her untreatable cancer,which was some type of Ovarian Cancer. She became diagnosed when I was seven. I am now fourteen years old, so that means seven years ago, this whole sickness journey began. My mom had fought that battle for three long, painful years. She had taken more surgery's than one person can handle. But that was the thing, my mom was tough. Believe it or not, she was a good mother, with the craziest, childish personality you could ever notice.
I have, over the years, learned to manage without a mother. Which any teenage girl would understand the struggle. I missed out on her fights, her laughs, her jokes, and her company in general. I needed her. I needed her for my period, for my boy drama, for all my drama, for the sex talk, for the tampon instructions, for the trips to the mall, for the annoying remarks, for everything. Mommy, all I have left to say is, I need you, I miss you, and I love you so much.

unconvenient

I honestly thought that once I became friends with more people I would have more plans. In reality, everyone seems too busy to even consider my plans. This statement obviously sounds like just another complaint. It technically is, but I really want to have friends, have plans, and not be that girl who is fat and sits home all day. I want to change. Can you let me?

The world is harsh

"Maddie"...huh?

I remember mentioning my one and only nickname, "Schmidty". I've grown quite accepting to the ridiculous name, I am past memorizing the damn thing. Truthfully I enjoy it, and use the nickname for several usernames and passwords. Sad right? Back to the point, I did my "Stamp act" presentation by myself, and the child who invented that nickname, I quote said, "Maddie". I was quite thrilled that he was becoming prone to saying my honest nickname. I heard "Maddie" several times this week. I love it when people call me "Schmidty", but hearing my own name coming clear off their tongues was really delightful also. Therefore, "Schmidty" is dying down.

rumored rumors

I realize that everyone talks about everyone, and I definitely am one of the talked about victims. I rather them say it too their friends then to my face. I rather the gossip kings and queens not see my face as they shoot me with looks in addition to rude criticism. Jonathan is the one who makes them all up. I believe that he is the predominant bully, I wish would just disappear. Yesterday, I was called fat, and selfish because I did not share my food to him, but another kindhearted girl. Today, he said that I had no one to take me anywhere. This was mentioned as an effect to my comment of "that sound awkward" when he was with his friend asking him to take him to the movies or something. I don't know why I take everything he says personal. I can't understand what causes me to crack when he is mean, or why he even labels my every feature and action. I honestly don't ever have anything cruel to say to him, I do, but i'm not so cold hearted to point every single flaw out to him. I rather not deal with it, so I try to avoid him everyday. It doesn't work.

treacherous teaching

This year alone has been treacherous, although one more person to top it off, is Mrs. Jennifer. Now don't get me wrong, she is a good teacher, but she just manages to crawl underneath my skin and piss me off. Every decision she makes towards me, I swear to you, is in spite. This year, she has forced me into numerous uncomfortable situations. This charade is quite obvious to just about anyone i'm friends with. Let me include, I have never done anything to her, nor will I ever because I am just beyond being rude to someone with the worst attitude to me. I honestly am trying to ignore, and ignore, but the wall, i'm building just seems to break when she, yet again makes me suffer. Clueless she acts around my father. Recently, my group was not agreeing with me on any of my ideas, and Mrs. Jennifer forced me out of the group and into my own. Luckily I slide right through my presentation smoothly, and got a pretty decent reaction. Literally everyone, unexpectedly, cheered me on (besides this one girl I hate, Vanessa (whom I hadn't cheered for either).  I just metaphorically gave myself a pat on the back, and proved to myself, Mrs. Jennifer couldn't set me up to fail, giving me a last minute project to complete. I will applause on my effortless A, thank you.

Just accept it

Always, I have always dreamt of living the popular life. I had always tried to get there, but I never will. I know. I can grasp the fact I was always against, being the cool girl. I pushed away the unpopular girls, but for what? I sustained myself into believing I was somehow above every single one of them. I really wasn't. I found myself desperately craving to hang out with them. I wanted to be in that group. I would have totally rejected them in the past, but I have no room for rejection. I only had room for acceptance, and let me tell you, i'm more than willing to give it.

Identify the loser

I always knew that popularity wasn't my best quality. Everybody does really. I'm not anything like the popular girls. I'm not skinny, and I don't have the best looks. Its the truth, and I try to avoid it. I always knew being unpopular would limit the people that want to actually talk to me, but god does that make me nothing to them. Yes. 
Today in 5th period, I had core, which is a mix of social studies, language arts, novel, and writing. I had gotten up to give something to my teacher, and this kid Gabe was in my way of my desk. I politely said excuse me, but he was too busy chatting it up with this "mean girl". I moved passed him and repeated "excuse me", accidentally bumping him. His reaction was to comment "yeah, yeah excuse you", and throwing his book at me. "I turned around in shock that he had, had the balls to throw his book at me. I then knew that I was a nothing to him, because he never did that to any of his friends. I started to tear as I came to realization that I am and never will be a somebody.

Madison, follow your dreams

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I would never think that the man who invented my ridiculously catchy nickname, Schmidty, would actually be giving advice about my future. My future is always something that I put thoughts into. Which is quite stupid to say because everyone puts thoughts into there future. Everyone dreams, and mine have just become clear. This man's name is Mr. Chris. He is brilliant by himself, hands down. He had asked the big question that defines myself, and gave me insight on my dream. I've always wanted to become a writer, and he encouraged me too believe that I can do it. He said even if I wanted, I could start now and write, and travel and sell my books. I had not realized all that could be accomplished in my dream, i'm thrilled he showed me my options, and gave me courage. Thank you Mr.Chris, I have taken everything into consideration. 

Poem by the poet

"Perfection" "Perfection". Do you exist? Where are you? Where have you gone? Heh. Nothing is perfection. Perfection is only an oppinion. Your oppinion. Saying something is perfect is like saying a balloon never pops. It's unrealistic and only nerve raking to determine the perfection in you or anyone else. You may see a pretty girl and think "she is so perfect". Therefore your wrong behind everyone's exterior there is an interior, and that interior reeks imperfection. Girls like to think their perfect. That they always have perfect hair, have perfect makeup, have the best cliques, do everything perfect. Oh man. If you go along with them In there obvious confusion. That doesn't make you perfect. Nobody's perfect unless you truly believe it without comparing or judging. Inside everyone always has something. Everyone has flaws. Believe that. 

No title needed

I try to block all the negative but I'm as insecure as it comes already. I'm insecure about just about everything. Scratch that, everything. I can't help to listen to justin bieber, and rely for his song his song "hold tight" to save me. I know it's not the same concept, although I take it into my own concept. Forgetting to mention he says dad in almost the whole song. I honestly don't care. All I care about is trying to fight all the negative, ignoring it, pushing it away. Ha. Who am I kidding. I just want to poof. If it were that easy. It's not like any things stopping me. Not that anybody cares.

Nothing but judgment

"Haha! Schmidt. Schmugly. Schfat. Haha!" You see, you can interpret that, THAT was hurtful. Did he? Yes. That's why he kept on with the judgments. Although I kept quite and I (or anyone else) didn't defend myself. Everyone else in this sitch allowed themselves to bystand, and or laugh. I can't comprehend how him of all guys had room to talk about me being fat or unattractive. In my perspective, I don't deserve more heart break. Before you think that he doesn't know. Oh he does. That's why he calls me depressed. He says that I have a depressed life. My friends laugh along with him while I just sit and stare at their amusement. Thanks guys. Way to be an accomplice of an unpopular kid who picks on others to have friends. Appreciate it. *que the tears* 

Who are you?

Relentlessly, for months I had to endure the rumor of my hatred for some girl that I never even said as much as "hi" too. Kelsie, was the the girl who assumed this idea that I hated her and I did several mean things to her. Meanwhile I was liking and commenting on her pictures. Although she never took notice to any of that. I was astonished to hear that the girl who shared the information, Talia, said that she was still going on about our "dispute". I wondered why someone took that much interest in me. I was tired of the ongoing thoughts, so I decided to end it. I asked for her number, and annoyingly enough, she replied. She said "who are you?". I wanted to be kind, I really did, but I came off a bit irritated in my responses so she deleted all my comments. Kelsie and I, have no Kelsie and I.

Madison.

I thirst to write, but bear with me, I suck. Its seems everything I do. It sucks. I will attempt to share as much emotion about every involvement in my life. My life is an open book to anyone who seems to enjoy my blog. I love answering questions, so please comment, and read away.