what you'd think

you would think after all this development from 2013, i would be fantastic. sure i pretend not to care, and attempt to fall through with it, but i am. my friends crack under the judgment too, i think that's why they want to follow the popular girls. i think they want to be them, and discard my fat ass, and just be a clone of the "popular's". i don't, i want to be myself, and everyone to be themselves. i need to stop worrying about myself, and what others perception of me is. it should not matter, they are irrelevant. then why do i care. i don't know. i am done caring, im done doing whatever any one else wants, i am going to be me. me it is, all me.

why can't I just die tomorrow.

happy

I am just happy. I am happy more than usual, way more than usual. I have friends, my grades are getting better, and I am trying to not care as much, and quite frankly, it seems to be working in my favor. 

just happy. 

put the pieces together

I tell you that I hate my life

I tell you I hate myself

I tell you I my school 

I tell you I hate not having friends

I tell you I hate not having anyone

I tell you all these things, yet do you catch on?

I tell you all these things, yet do you notice the tears

I tell you all these things, yet do you notice the emotions

I tell you all these things, yet do recognize the pain

I tell you so many different things, and yet you act clueless

I tell you so many different things, and yet you are clueless

I tell you so many different things, and yet you seem clueless

I tell you so many different things, and yet you say nothing

I tell you so many different things, and yet you do nothing

I tell you I need help, and you think I don't need it

I tell you I want help, and you say "why do I need it"

I tell you all these things, and you still don't get it

I want to die, cant you see. 

if I was dead

I can say my goal is to commit suicide. I would, but I still have one thing preventing me from it, my nana. I would kill myself because my life sucks, I get bullied most days, my dad doesn't care about my feelings, everyday, my appearance is ugly, and fat, and I don't have any tight friends to catch my fall if I were to talk to them about suicide. I would already be dead if my nana weren't alive. My nana is the only one I am alive for. My mother died, and dad doesn't give a damn about my thoughts, or feelings, only his own. The choice is clear, if my life is still dangling on the thought of suicide after my grandmother dies, the deed is done. 

If my life gets better, then no need. I can only hope that I grow up, and change my life into a better future. A future that withdraws the bad, and withholds the good, a future that teaches me all the right things, and forgets to mention all the wrong things. I want a better future for myself. 

If I can make it through the teenage years, then I wish to be granted with nothing but good, after all the bad.  

die already

I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want die. I want to die. I want to die.

like a dream

I finally put status behind me, and let the cares go free, and I transformed. I transformed into this half way careless teenager. This Friday I went to see my friends at the movies, and I had the best time. I hadn't worried about a damn thing. Although now, I feel left out somehow. Why you ask? Sure I was invited to that one movie date, but two of the girls hung out all weekend. I am beyond jealous for no reason. I need to get a grip, but my hands are slippery. My grip is broken, like these lingering feelings. I need to chill, and breathe. I need a lot of things, such as a different life.

a loser can dream

I have been racking my brain on high schools. What's holding me back? I know, I want away from the people, and the environment of my school. I don't get why I was still dreading everything. I don't want to go any other school, than this fantastic rich girl school. I am already in a charter, but this high school, has everything. They give a personal iPad for work, they have any elective you can think of, they have a warm, and comforting environment (at least from their speech) , they have financial aid, meaning that you can work to pay it off, and they have a gorgeous location. I want to attend that school, but it looks like a ghetto public school is my only choice. I am scared to go, and scared to go any where else.

i have problems

obviously I have my own issues, and yet, I can't physically get myself to just let it out. I only listen to other people vent, and let them free some demons, and leave mine in a cage inside my boiling-empty soul. I need to let go, and allow myself to cross out don't care so much off my new years resolution list.

i need a momment

for some reason, I have not cried in a while, and I just feel the need to cry, like ugly cry, and I can't. i d o n t g e t i t   i d o n t g e t l i f e

i need a momment

for some reason, I have not cried in a while, and I just feel the need to cry, like ugly cry, and I can't. i d o n t g e t i t   i d o n t g e t l i f e

don't come in

I keep getting invited to this stupid bounce place, air heads, and I don't like that place. They can never do anything else. I honestly HATE that place. I have been rejecting them over, and over, but I should just hang out with them. It's honestly mixed emotions, I feel like they don't want to me around, and they do. I dunno.
The main thing bothering me lately is my momma. I miss her oh so terribly. I want her, I have tendency to want things I can't have, but in this case, I need her. I need you momma.

what is an assumption

slowly, I am regaining my happiness. I have friends, many now, and my grades are getting decent, and I was finally regaining hope. Nothing extreme happened, but I still feel like shit. High school is this whole complex mess, that is confusing, and un-optional. I have no schools in my district, and my dad can't afford this private school I wanted to attend. I guess, I still feel... incomplete. I have friends, yes, but where ever I go, they wont be there. In this big swamp of high school, I know making friends is easy, but will they be the kind I want? I guess I still want popular card, I guess I want to be rich, I guess I want to be pretty. Although, they aren't guesses, I want all of those things. I want change, but it wont happen. 

I wanted to be skinny, problem: I am so depressed , that I can't stop stuffing my face. 

I wanted to change my hair, problem: my ex-best friend already died her hair, and it would be "copying." if I did it. 

I wanted to have this successful book, problem: I change everything, and I end up hating everything about it. 

I wanted to get boys to like me, problem: I am still ugly, fat, and un-popular.  

I wanted to change my ways, problem: I can't get over what people think of me. 

The point is, new years didn't change anything, I haven't changed anything, I am still same old, same old, me. #changemyways

I don't know

I can't help but look at the past, and see all the terrible things I have gone through. I didn't think I had it that hard, but I did. I spent all this time disagreeing with the facts, but they are all there. I have been crucially been bullied since I was in fifth grade, age 10. That is four years of bullying. I didn't think about all the shit done to me, until now. It is all so much, when I think of everything at once.  It is so overwhelming, and I don't know where to put all of this emotion. I just feel like i'm about to fucking explode, with all these problems, and feelings. It is way to much to handle, I need to let it all out, advice?

my fortune

In my perspective, fortune cookies always seem to be accurate. They always direct the advice to myself. I was treated to PEI WEI, and gifted with a fortune that said "Many successes will accompany you this year." Maybe its just me, but I would like to accept that this fortune, will become my future. I would always say that my lucky number is 10, but, I am not sure, looking back to the years events. When I was ten years old, I was miserable. My mother had died, I was starting a new school, I had barely any friends, and I had a new, cruel teacher. I guess, I relate to that number because it makes me realize that I am more aware, and that I can manage anything. I can only dream that any and all success will come my way, because, no lie, I need it.

do what you want

Do what you want

Earlier today, this boy in my group for this science project, and we are completely screwed on our grade for it. Another boy in our group agreed to take it home, and compete it. Everyone in our group was assigned jobs, like building, supervising, sharing advice, recording progress, and drawing. I had to record all the data. Our project is barley started, and this boy asked me to do it for our group. He just wanted me to do it, because he needed the grade. Hell, I need the grade too, but that does not mean i'm going to do the whole damn project because he wants me too. I told myself, why change when I am still the image of my old reputation. I wanted to change, so I was going to. If I wanted change, then I should change. His influence to the end of change, will not change, my own change. It is my final decision to undo myself, and I am going through with it. 

change me

Hello 2014. You know its only been minutes of 2014 rising into a new year, and yet the year so far, brought no luck. It brought depression, and so far, I am hating my life just as much as before. Exactly what was the point of changing everything, when I am still stuck in the past of my sorry reputation. My reputation of having no life, my reputation of doing projects and making excellent grades. No matter how much I changed, my reputation would remain. I couldn't erase the past, and just be pretty and popular. I'm not and never was popular. I am a loser, with no mom, no friends, no person who cares, no person who gives a damn about my life. If I did loose a few pounds, and change my hair, and change a few other things, who would notice... who would care. No one, because I am a no one. I realize my attempts to reverse my own status would not change anything. Change is supposed to be my cure for loser-itis. It's not. Honestly I shouldn't try, I should just not care. I should let people choose me, instead of choosing someone to dream to hang out with. I want, and need to change, but who gives a fuck about myself, or my decisions. I want escape, I want out of my sorry ass, unwanted life.

change is in the air, or is it me

New years eve. I can't say I haven't been looking forward to have a new year, and a new life. I had not been preparing to change myself, and I wanted to change myself. My resolution is exactly that, change everything, because change is everything. My blog tittle is so relevant. I need a change, and I found myself desperately craving the act of change.
My new years resolution, is probably the most complex, maybe cause making me a better version of maddie takes a lot. This year I will be working on getting skinny, I will change my hair, my diet will be permanent until I am my goal weight: 125, I will dress more hipster, I will get a boyfriend, I will have more friends, I will have hang outs more, I will find a way to make money.. babysitting, I will paint my nails more, I will play something athletic, I will get myself organized and on a schedule, and I will get better grades. Tonight, some will celebrate just a new year, but me, I will be starting over. I will change myself, hopefully love myself. Hopefully be new and improved, for the better.

I have 31 posts, 1 follower, and 0 comments, and even  0 views towards writings. Now I have page views, plenty, but that has nothing to do with myself pouring out all my feelings into these posts. Why am I upset. I should be happy that nobody cares about this dark hole in my heart, that this blog just relieves me of my feelings. I should actually say that I am satisfied with lack of caring. I was in the business of boring, and I still don't know why that upset me. I shouldn't be, I should be happy that no one would ever read this, or even have a clue. I am actually thrilled. Thanks.

Merry late Christmas

I found myself engulfed in irreplaceable presents, and something was missing. Maybe my happiness, maybe my success, maybe my encouragement, or maybe just my own damn opinions. I received one special present, that I outshine to the rest of my wonderful presents. I received this gorgeous, vintage, leather journal. The vintage look is probably the most convincing of it's beauty. I usually am never so fascinated on such an abstract object, but this is, everything I could ever want. Since this lovely journal has been brought into my possession, I haven't the slightest clue on what to write in this precious antique. I could portray my horrible live, or I could just write to my mother, or I could even just explain  my lessons in life, and how to solve your problems. I still don't know what to even dare start off with in my dear journal, but I know my mind can think of something useful, and creative. I hope.