change me

Hello 2014. You know its only been minutes of 2014 rising into a new year, and yet the year so far, brought no luck. It brought depression, and so far, I am hating my life just as much as before. Exactly what was the point of changing everything, when I am still stuck in the past of my sorry reputation. My reputation of having no life, my reputation of doing projects and making excellent grades. No matter how much I changed, my reputation would remain. I couldn't erase the past, and just be pretty and popular. I'm not and never was popular. I am a loser, with no mom, no friends, no person who cares, no person who gives a damn about my life. If I did loose a few pounds, and change my hair, and change a few other things, who would notice... who would care. No one, because I am a no one. I realize my attempts to reverse my own status would not change anything. Change is supposed to be my cure for loser-itis. It's not. Honestly I shouldn't try, I should just not care. I should let people choose me, instead of choosing someone to dream to hang out with. I want, and need to change, but who gives a fuck about myself, or my decisions. I want escape, I want out of my sorry ass, unwanted life.

change is in the air, or is it me

New years eve. I can't say I haven't been looking forward to have a new year, and a new life. I had not been preparing to change myself, and I wanted to change myself. My resolution is exactly that, change everything, because change is everything. My blog tittle is so relevant. I need a change, and I found myself desperately craving the act of change.
My new years resolution, is probably the most complex, maybe cause making me a better version of maddie takes a lot. This year I will be working on getting skinny, I will change my hair, my diet will be permanent until I am my goal weight: 125, I will dress more hipster, I will get a boyfriend, I will have more friends, I will have hang outs more, I will find a way to make money.. babysitting, I will paint my nails more, I will play something athletic, I will get myself organized and on a schedule, and I will get better grades. Tonight, some will celebrate just a new year, but me, I will be starting over. I will change myself, hopefully love myself. Hopefully be new and improved, for the better.

I have 31 posts, 1 follower, and 0 comments, and even  0 views towards writings. Now I have page views, plenty, but that has nothing to do with myself pouring out all my feelings into these posts. Why am I upset. I should be happy that nobody cares about this dark hole in my heart, that this blog just relieves me of my feelings. I should actually say that I am satisfied with lack of caring. I was in the business of boring, and I still don't know why that upset me. I shouldn't be, I should be happy that no one would ever read this, or even have a clue. I am actually thrilled. Thanks.

Merry late Christmas

I found myself engulfed in irreplaceable presents, and something was missing. Maybe my happiness, maybe my success, maybe my encouragement, or maybe just my own damn opinions. I received one special present, that I outshine to the rest of my wonderful presents. I received this gorgeous, vintage, leather journal. The vintage look is probably the most convincing of it's beauty. I usually am never so fascinated on such an abstract object, but this is, everything I could ever want. Since this lovely journal has been brought into my possession, I haven't the slightest clue on what to write in this precious antique. I could portray my horrible live, or I could just write to my mother, or I could even just explain  my lessons in life, and how to solve your problems. I still don't know what to even dare start off with in my dear journal, but I know my mind can think of something useful, and creative. I hope.

pushing the limit

It seems all my problems are inside my household. Which is just fancy talk for my dad. We are always fighting, and when I come home, I always seem to be in a really pissy mood. I don't have a clue to why I treat him like dirt, but he gets real tired of it. He gets so tired of it, a simple calm remark sends in a rage of screams and shouts. I don't know why I push his buttons, its not like I enjoy it. I really don't enjoy him screaming his head off, and mixing in some rude comments. It all is just weakening. Not only that, but himself and I can literally go all night without apologizing, or even talking. The situation just increases, and I guess he just gets so angry because i'm so relentless. In my mind, I make comments to retaliate, but to his mind, it just seems out of the ordinary, and unnecessary. To be real, it is totally unnecessary. I shouldn't be so cruel, he is just a clueless parent, having no idea how to care or treat me like his daughter. My life is really fucked up, and i'm really fucked up to even it all out.


I hate my life.

daddy, are you there? Don't you care?

This is inspired by my dad. Well he, himself, is always a pity party. I wish he'd step out of his own sorry-life and look at his daughter's. I don't think I've ever been so down, and depressed before. Well that's a lie. My mother's death was just a start. It was a start to my new life, i'm currently living in now. I wish I could escape, the judgement, my school, my own damn house, everything, and just find a place. A place far, far away. A place I can just sit and think for hours with no worries. The only worry i'd have is coming back to this pitiful life, I can never escape. High school may be my best point, or it could be my breaking point. Whatever it is, I hope it ends with a lot of friends, and a lot of boys.
High school is off topic, the point is, knowing that no one is there, that the only people there are liars, and the people that do majority of the judging. Including my dad.

life is never easy

This year is my last year in middle school, which is good, but the pressure is on. 

My grades are flunking, and still currently without a tutor, i'm done for. I guess you could say that my grades are begging to incline, but their not good enough to get into private school. I kind of want to sink into the emptiness and not have to do anything, but i'm still here and I have to make it past this rough patch in my life. Suicide is an option, but not a well thought out solution. If I was to commit suicide, I would take precautions, and make sure that everyone had a clue to why I killed myself, and had memorable's. But to be completely practical, I should just life with the pain. It apparently is supposed to get better, when I get older, but who knows. Who knows, maybe I will become a famous writer, or just slide by as a little below average, like i'm attempting.  My attempt has been a success for the past months. I have to try, like now. I am trying, help?

"picture perfect"

Ha. Ha. Nah. You see, I thought that maybe, just maybe, the giggles, and mending friendship would mean something, but I guess not. It didn't really make sense too think that popular girls would out of their way to talk to me, no, I had to spike up a conversation just to receive a stupid five letter response. I should of known, I am a nobody. And I need to stop attempting to be something I can never be, happy.
Not even the wierdo squad fully wants me to join them. Sure, I chat up a striking conversation, but at least to them, it means something. But there is this one girl, who doesn't despise me, but she doesn't want me to listen to their gossip, or even do lame bathroom hangouts. I don't understand why, because everyone else is chill with it. She bosses me around, and i'm kinda sick of it. You could say I am a pushover. Which would really explain lots of things.
I always do what everyone else wants, I always allow people to say and do whatever they feel towards me, and I just never have my own opinion on certain topics. I let people trample all over me, without knowing what to respond with in return. I am just sensitive, and a pushover, and all around I just let everything affect me, even when it shouldn't. I can't help it. I want help. I need help.

Busch Gardens.

This happened last Friday on my schools field trip, so bare with the late writings. 

I have always feared one thing, more than most. I was never really put to face my fear, and so, it developed. But last Friday, surrounded by friends, and loving faces, I overcame it. I always feared roller coasters. Riding them, looking at them, picturing going on them. I was a freak of nature for disliking them, so I thought. Turns out, in that odd little group, I so desperately wanted to join, had a few commoners as I. Turns out, that group had four boys who didn't quite enjoy the nonsense also. I wasn't alone, and that made me happy. I always hesitated to talk to these boys from nervousness. But having something in common, welded a new friendship. I sat with them, had weird boy conversations, and laughed harder than I had ever laughed. I saw them today and instead of ignoring the whole Friday fun chaos, they greeted me. Every time I have a really good time with someone, they dismiss it, as if they have a reputation to keep. But not them, they were true friends. Truie

overwhelmed with joy

Lately all my days are basically the definition of sucky. And yet, today was a different. I actually laughed until my stomach hurt, and chatted with those I have been wanting to chat with. I was outgoing, and made others laugh. Sure within my overwhelming joy, there was some comments, but its not like they mattered. They didn't matter because I had friends, friends to back me up, and friends to just talk to. Today I felt like the happiest girl in the world. Usually, some huge, tragic event would take place and just ruin me, but, not today. Today is a new day, leading to the new year. Leading to the new me. The new skinny, the new outgoing, the new smart, the new me. I couldn't wait for someone else to change me into what I wanted. I had to take charge, and grab for the things I craved so desperately. I am no longer, the fat, depressed, and lonely girl people had depicted me as in 5th grade. I was becoming the new and improved, Madison Schmidt. And I was more than glad about it.

visitation, realization

Yesterday I saw my Aunt Priscilla. She really isn't mean and bitchy like I pictured her as when I was little. I thought she was a bad person, but she just isn't. She is sweet and extremely helpful. She is a talker though, and a complainer, but that, everyone is. I had a decent talk with her yesterday. She mentioned my mom, and how nobody lives forever, and how people all get too an end because nothing is forever. She is right. I can try and defend a useless tittle all I want, but it is the truth. Like my mother as a representation, she died at age 43. Obviously that isn't ridiculously young, but she is my mother, that is way to early to pass with a teenager. Forever is not forever. Friendships aren't forever, boyfriends aren't forever, life isn't forever. It is what it is.

classy titles

For awhile i've been ify on whether to share this or not, but it seems to keep crawling under my skin so, here we go. My dad and I are oddly close, which removes all barriers that most parents and children have.  I understand parents get angry, that they get very emotional too, I get that, but my dad always finds ways to be mean and rude because he feels like it. The cruel words he calls me just hurts me. He doesn't know, if he knew, he might stop, but maybe he wouldn't. He calls me "bitch" or "asshole" and on occasion "fucker". He also calls me fat, overweight, and heavy all in one example. He knows it hurts, but he doesn't care. He thinks i'm looking for some pity, but i'm truly just looking for someone to care. I'm just looking for one person, just one. One person to deal with my shitty attitudes sometimes, and my problems in school, and my problems in general. I need somebody, but I have no one. I have nothing. God, I am nothing.

keep on crushin'

If you are a common visitor, you should know my passion, my dream, my everything, is writing. Well my "lovely" teacher Ms. Jennifer, perished my one and only enjoyment. She said my writing sucked. Well she said everyone in her class was a sucky writer, but they don't care, I do. I care so deeply that my writing sucks. How am I supposed to pursue my dream when everyone around me wants to crush my only chance to be myself. I thought that my only good feature was my writing, but it isn't, which entails that I can't do anything good. I will never be good enough. I will never be cool, I will never be pretty, I will never have friends, No one will ever care. I have nothing.