change me

Hello 2014. You know its only been minutes of 2014 rising into a new year, and yet the year so far, brought no luck. It brought depression, and so far, I am hating my life just as much as before. Exactly what was the point of changing everything, when I am still stuck in the past of my sorry reputation. My reputation of having no life, my reputation of doing projects and making excellent grades. No matter how much I changed, my reputation would remain. I couldn't erase the past, and just be pretty and popular. I'm not and never was popular. I am a loser, with no mom, no friends, no person who cares, no person who gives a damn about my life. If I did loose a few pounds, and change my hair, and change a few other things, who would notice... who would care. No one, because I am a no one. I realize my attempts to reverse my own status would not change anything. Change is supposed to be my cure for loser-itis. It's not. Honestly I shouldn't try, I should just not care. I should let people choose me, instead of choosing someone to dream to hang out with. I want, and need to change, but who gives a fuck about myself, or my decisions. I want escape, I want out of my sorry ass, unwanted life.

change is in the air, or is it me

New years eve. I can't say I haven't been looking forward to have a new year, and a new life. I had not been preparing to change myself, and I wanted to change myself. My resolution is exactly that, change everything, because change is everything. My blog tittle is so relevant. I need a change, and I found myself desperately craving the act of change.
My new years resolution, is probably the most complex, maybe cause making me a better version of maddie takes a lot. This year I will be working on getting skinny, I will change my hair, my diet will be permanent until I am my goal weight: 125, I will dress more hipster, I will get a boyfriend, I will have more friends, I will have hang outs more, I will find a way to make money.. babysitting, I will paint my nails more, I will play something athletic, I will get myself organized and on a schedule, and I will get better grades. Tonight, some will celebrate just a new year, but me, I will be starting over. I will change myself, hopefully love myself. Hopefully be new and improved, for the better.

I have 31 posts, 1 follower, and 0 comments, and even  0 views towards writings. Now I have page views, plenty, but that has nothing to do with myself pouring out all my feelings into these posts. Why am I upset. I should be happy that nobody cares about this dark hole in my heart, that this blog just relieves me of my feelings. I should actually say that I am satisfied with lack of caring. I was in the business of boring, and I still don't know why that upset me. I shouldn't be, I should be happy that no one would ever read this, or even have a clue. I am actually thrilled. Thanks.

Merry late Christmas

I found myself engulfed in irreplaceable presents, and something was missing. Maybe my happiness, maybe my success, maybe my encouragement, or maybe just my own damn opinions. I received one special present, that I outshine to the rest of my wonderful presents. I received this gorgeous, vintage, leather journal. The vintage look is probably the most convincing of it's beauty. I usually am never so fascinated on such an abstract object, but this is, everything I could ever want. Since this lovely journal has been brought into my possession, I haven't the slightest clue on what to write in this precious antique. I could portray my horrible live, or I could just write to my mother, or I could even just explain  my lessons in life, and how to solve your problems. I still don't know what to even dare start off with in my dear journal, but I know my mind can think of something useful, and creative. I hope.

pushing the limit

It seems all my problems are inside my household. Which is just fancy talk for my dad. We are always fighting, and when I come home, I always seem to be in a really pissy mood. I don't have a clue to why I treat him like dirt, but he gets real tired of it. He gets so tired of it, a simple calm remark sends in a rage of screams and shouts. I don't know why I push his buttons, its not like I enjoy it. I really don't enjoy him screaming his head off, and mixing in some rude comments. It all is just weakening. Not only that, but himself and I can literally go all night without apologizing, or even talking. The situation just increases, and I guess he just gets so angry because i'm so relentless. In my mind, I make comments to retaliate, but to his mind, it just seems out of the ordinary, and unnecessary. To be real, it is totally unnecessary. I shouldn't be so cruel, he is just a clueless parent, having no idea how to care or treat me like his daughter. My life is really fucked up, and i'm really fucked up to even it all out.


I hate my life.

daddy, are you there? Don't you care?

This is inspired by my dad. Well he, himself, is always a pity party. I wish he'd step out of his own sorry-life and look at his daughter's. I don't think I've ever been so down, and depressed before. Well that's a lie. My mother's death was just a start. It was a start to my new life, i'm currently living in now. I wish I could escape, the judgement, my school, my own damn house, everything, and just find a place. A place far, far away. A place I can just sit and think for hours with no worries. The only worry i'd have is coming back to this pitiful life, I can never escape. High school may be my best point, or it could be my breaking point. Whatever it is, I hope it ends with a lot of friends, and a lot of boys.
High school is off topic, the point is, knowing that no one is there, that the only people there are liars, and the people that do majority of the judging. Including my dad.

life is never easy

This year is my last year in middle school, which is good, but the pressure is on. 

My grades are flunking, and still currently without a tutor, i'm done for. I guess you could say that my grades are begging to incline, but their not good enough to get into private school. I kind of want to sink into the emptiness and not have to do anything, but i'm still here and I have to make it past this rough patch in my life. Suicide is an option, but not a well thought out solution. If I was to commit suicide, I would take precautions, and make sure that everyone had a clue to why I killed myself, and had memorable's. But to be completely practical, I should just life with the pain. It apparently is supposed to get better, when I get older, but who knows. Who knows, maybe I will become a famous writer, or just slide by as a little below average, like i'm attempting.  My attempt has been a success for the past months. I have to try, like now. I am trying, help?