a loser can dream

I have been racking my brain on high schools. What's holding me back? I know, I want away from the people, and the environment of my school. I don't get why I was still dreading everything. I don't want to go any other school, than this fantastic rich girl school. I am already in a charter, but this high school, has everything. They give a personal iPad for work, they have any elective you can think of, they have a warm, and comforting environment (at least from their speech) , they have financial aid, meaning that you can work to pay it off, and they have a gorgeous location. I want to attend that school, but it looks like a ghetto public school is my only choice. I am scared to go, and scared to go any where else.

i have problems

obviously I have my own issues, and yet, I can't physically get myself to just let it out. I only listen to other people vent, and let them free some demons, and leave mine in a cage inside my boiling-empty soul. I need to let go, and allow myself to cross out don't care so much off my new years resolution list.

i need a momment

for some reason, I have not cried in a while, and I just feel the need to cry, like ugly cry, and I can't. i d o n t g e t i t   i d o n t g e t l i f e

i need a momment

for some reason, I have not cried in a while, and I just feel the need to cry, like ugly cry, and I can't. i d o n t g e t i t   i d o n t g e t l i f e

don't come in

I keep getting invited to this stupid bounce place, air heads, and I don't like that place. They can never do anything else. I honestly HATE that place. I have been rejecting them over, and over, but I should just hang out with them. It's honestly mixed emotions, I feel like they don't want to me around, and they do. I dunno.
The main thing bothering me lately is my momma. I miss her oh so terribly. I want her, I have tendency to want things I can't have, but in this case, I need her. I need you momma.

what is an assumption

slowly, I am regaining my happiness. I have friends, many now, and my grades are getting decent, and I was finally regaining hope. Nothing extreme happened, but I still feel like shit. High school is this whole complex mess, that is confusing, and un-optional. I have no schools in my district, and my dad can't afford this private school I wanted to attend. I guess, I still feel... incomplete. I have friends, yes, but where ever I go, they wont be there. In this big swamp of high school, I know making friends is easy, but will they be the kind I want? I guess I still want popular card, I guess I want to be rich, I guess I want to be pretty. Although, they aren't guesses, I want all of those things. I want change, but it wont happen. 

I wanted to be skinny, problem: I am so depressed , that I can't stop stuffing my face. 

I wanted to change my hair, problem: my ex-best friend already died her hair, and it would be "copying." if I did it. 

I wanted to have this successful book, problem: I change everything, and I end up hating everything about it. 

I wanted to get boys to like me, problem: I am still ugly, fat, and un-popular.  

I wanted to change my ways, problem: I can't get over what people think of me. 

The point is, new years didn't change anything, I haven't changed anything, I am still same old, same old, me. #changemyways

I don't know

I can't help but look at the past, and see all the terrible things I have gone through. I didn't think I had it that hard, but I did. I spent all this time disagreeing with the facts, but they are all there. I have been crucially been bullied since I was in fifth grade, age 10. That is four years of bullying. I didn't think about all the shit done to me, until now. It is all so much, when I think of everything at once.  It is so overwhelming, and I don't know where to put all of this emotion. I just feel like i'm about to fucking explode, with all these problems, and feelings. It is way to much to handle, I need to let it all out, advice?