why can't I just die tomorrow.

happy

I am just happy. I am happy more than usual, way more than usual. I have friends, my grades are getting better, and I am trying to not care as much, and quite frankly, it seems to be working in my favor. 

just happy. 

put the pieces together

I tell you that I hate my life

I tell you I hate myself

I tell you I my school 

I tell you I hate not having friends

I tell you I hate not having anyone

I tell you all these things, yet do you catch on?

I tell you all these things, yet do you notice the tears

I tell you all these things, yet do you notice the emotions

I tell you all these things, yet do recognize the pain

I tell you so many different things, and yet you act clueless

I tell you so many different things, and yet you are clueless

I tell you so many different things, and yet you seem clueless

I tell you so many different things, and yet you say nothing

I tell you so many different things, and yet you do nothing

I tell you I need help, and you think I don't need it

I tell you I want help, and you say "why do I need it"

I tell you all these things, and you still don't get it

I want to die, cant you see. 

if I was dead

I can say my goal is to commit suicide. I would, but I still have one thing preventing me from it, my nana. I would kill myself because my life sucks, I get bullied most days, my dad doesn't care about my feelings, everyday, my appearance is ugly, and fat, and I don't have any tight friends to catch my fall if I were to talk to them about suicide. I would already be dead if my nana weren't alive. My nana is the only one I am alive for. My mother died, and dad doesn't give a damn about my thoughts, or feelings, only his own. The choice is clear, if my life is still dangling on the thought of suicide after my grandmother dies, the deed is done. 

If my life gets better, then no need. I can only hope that I grow up, and change my life into a better future. A future that withdraws the bad, and withholds the good, a future that teaches me all the right things, and forgets to mention all the wrong things. I want a better future for myself. 

If I can make it through the teenage years, then I wish to be granted with nothing but good, after all the bad.  

die already

I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want die. I want to die. I want to die.

like a dream

I finally put status behind me, and let the cares go free, and I transformed. I transformed into this half way careless teenager. This Friday I went to see my friends at the movies, and I had the best time. I hadn't worried about a damn thing. Although now, I feel left out somehow. Why you ask? Sure I was invited to that one movie date, but two of the girls hung out all weekend. I am beyond jealous for no reason. I need to get a grip, but my hands are slippery. My grip is broken, like these lingering feelings. I need to chill, and breathe. I need a lot of things, such as a different life.

a loser can dream

I have been racking my brain on high schools. What's holding me back? I know, I want away from the people, and the environment of my school. I don't get why I was still dreading everything. I don't want to go any other school, than this fantastic rich girl school. I am already in a charter, but this high school, has everything. They give a personal iPad for work, they have any elective you can think of, they have a warm, and comforting environment (at least from their speech) , they have financial aid, meaning that you can work to pay it off, and they have a gorgeous location. I want to attend that school, but it looks like a ghetto public school is my only choice. I am scared to go, and scared to go any where else.