sister, sister

My sister and I have never been close, like usual siblings. No, we really aren't the usual deal to be truthful. Her name is Niki. She seems to want more time with me, but you know, her business is booming, and she needs too collect her 1,000 dollars every three days. I understand, she has a wife who has to have her necessities. Clearly thanksgiving was yesterday, and my sister joined my father and I for his home-invented peppermint waffles. She stayed for a couple hours, and yet our conversation was very sparse. I felt that she wanted to talk to me, but she didn't know what to say. Maybe she didn't want to say anything. I am just saying, I wish I could of. But if her wife left the room, she held her phone in front of her face, and waited for the beloved to return. They had un-discussed giggles and comments together, and I found it super agitating, so I turned my back to them, frowned and did the dishes. I don't really know her, but her obvious details. Although, everyone knows her obvious details. I am basically everyone else to her. Nothing special usually. Which not to make this about me, but I am beyond used to that attention. "I love you, bye."

hardly anything

I know, I really know I can be better. I will change into the perfect, skinny, loving, smart girl I am dying to be. High school will be my transformation. High school will be where I will change, because change is everything, Change determines your friends, and your social ladder. I can change, because I have never wanted anything this bad before in my entire life.

if you say it, you obviously mean it

I am well aware of weight, everyone who if they even read my blog, know that I am fat. Apparently my own father has too take notice to it also. Now don't misinterpret this, everyone has a slip of the tongue, although when I encounter that slip, it hits me hard. My dad has mentioned my weight and knows I take it personally every time. Anyways, I was talking to him about planing one of my close friends birthdays tomorrow, and somehow money was brought up into the topic. And my loving father, points out my weight once again by saying I quote "Does it look like you miss a meal". I actually do skip meals, I never have breakfast and occasionally, my dad forgets to buy me lunch for school, so that answers the question, I do miss meals. Fat doesn't always relate to how much you eat, you clever man. I notify that i'm overweight but, he has no more for suggestions about my weight. No sir. My dad seems to think I eat everything, so now I will eat nothing.

an unforgettable passing

Everyone losses a friend or even a family member. Sure, typically you lose a grandmother or grandfather from an old age, or a sickness. Well, the others lose aunts or uncles, or cousins, and the unlucky ones lose siblings, or parents. Who did I lose is the big question, well i'll tell you. My mother. My one and only mother. Her name was Paula Blanco. I still relate to her as mommy, because, well she died as my mommy, therefore, she will always be my mommy. She died over four years ago, due her untreatable cancer,which was some type of Ovarian Cancer. She became diagnosed when I was seven. I am now fourteen years old, so that means seven years ago, this whole sickness journey began. My mom had fought that battle for three long, painful years. She had taken more surgery's than one person can handle. But that was the thing, my mom was tough. Believe it or not, she was a good mother, with the craziest, childish personality you could ever notice.
I have, over the years, learned to manage without a mother. Which any teenage girl would understand the struggle. I missed out on her fights, her laughs, her jokes, and her company in general. I needed her. I needed her for my period, for my boy drama, for all my drama, for the sex talk, for the tampon instructions, for the trips to the mall, for the annoying remarks, for everything. Mommy, all I have left to say is, I need you, I miss you, and I love you so much.

unconvenient

I honestly thought that once I became friends with more people I would have more plans. In reality, everyone seems too busy to even consider my plans. This statement obviously sounds like just another complaint. It technically is, but I really want to have friends, have plans, and not be that girl who is fat and sits home all day. I want to change. Can you let me?

The world is harsh

"Maddie"...huh?

I remember mentioning my one and only nickname, "Schmidty". I've grown quite accepting to the ridiculous name, I am past memorizing the damn thing. Truthfully I enjoy it, and use the nickname for several usernames and passwords. Sad right? Back to the point, I did my "Stamp act" presentation by myself, and the child who invented that nickname, I quote said, "Maddie". I was quite thrilled that he was becoming prone to saying my honest nickname. I heard "Maddie" several times this week. I love it when people call me "Schmidty", but hearing my own name coming clear off their tongues was really delightful also. Therefore, "Schmidty" is dying down.

rumored rumors

I realize that everyone talks about everyone, and I definitely am one of the talked about victims. I rather them say it too their friends then to my face. I rather the gossip kings and queens not see my face as they shoot me with looks in addition to rude criticism. Jonathan is the one who makes them all up. I believe that he is the predominant bully, I wish would just disappear. Yesterday, I was called fat, and selfish because I did not share my food to him, but another kindhearted girl. Today, he said that I had no one to take me anywhere. This was mentioned as an effect to my comment of "that sound awkward" when he was with his friend asking him to take him to the movies or something. I don't know why I take everything he says personal. I can't understand what causes me to crack when he is mean, or why he even labels my every feature and action. I honestly don't ever have anything cruel to say to him, I do, but i'm not so cold hearted to point every single flaw out to him. I rather not deal with it, so I try to avoid him everyday. It doesn't work.

treacherous teaching

This year alone has been treacherous, although one more person to top it off, is Mrs. Jennifer. Now don't get me wrong, she is a good teacher, but she just manages to crawl underneath my skin and piss me off. Every decision she makes towards me, I swear to you, is in spite. This year, she has forced me into numerous uncomfortable situations. This charade is quite obvious to just about anyone i'm friends with. Let me include, I have never done anything to her, nor will I ever because I am just beyond being rude to someone with the worst attitude to me. I honestly am trying to ignore, and ignore, but the wall, i'm building just seems to break when she, yet again makes me suffer. Clueless she acts around my father. Recently, my group was not agreeing with me on any of my ideas, and Mrs. Jennifer forced me out of the group and into my own. Luckily I slide right through my presentation smoothly, and got a pretty decent reaction. Literally everyone, unexpectedly, cheered me on (besides this one girl I hate, Vanessa (whom I hadn't cheered for either).  I just metaphorically gave myself a pat on the back, and proved to myself, Mrs. Jennifer couldn't set me up to fail, giving me a last minute project to complete. I will applause on my effortless A, thank you.

Just accept it

Always, I have always dreamt of living the popular life. I had always tried to get there, but I never will. I know. I can grasp the fact I was always against, being the cool girl. I pushed away the unpopular girls, but for what? I sustained myself into believing I was somehow above every single one of them. I really wasn't. I found myself desperately craving to hang out with them. I wanted to be in that group. I would have totally rejected them in the past, but I have no room for rejection. I only had room for acceptance, and let me tell you, i'm more than willing to give it.

Identify the loser

I always knew that popularity wasn't my best quality. Everybody does really. I'm not anything like the popular girls. I'm not skinny, and I don't have the best looks. Its the truth, and I try to avoid it. I always knew being unpopular would limit the people that want to actually talk to me, but god does that make me nothing to them. Yes. 
Today in 5th period, I had core, which is a mix of social studies, language arts, novel, and writing. I had gotten up to give something to my teacher, and this kid Gabe was in my way of my desk. I politely said excuse me, but he was too busy chatting it up with this "mean girl". I moved passed him and repeated "excuse me", accidentally bumping him. His reaction was to comment "yeah, yeah excuse you", and throwing his book at me. "I turned around in shock that he had, had the balls to throw his book at me. I then knew that I was a nothing to him, because he never did that to any of his friends. I started to tear as I came to realization that I am and never will be a somebody.

Madison, follow your dreams

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I would never think that the man who invented my ridiculously catchy nickname, Schmidty, would actually be giving advice about my future. My future is always something that I put thoughts into. Which is quite stupid to say because everyone puts thoughts into there future. Everyone dreams, and mine have just become clear. This man's name is Mr. Chris. He is brilliant by himself, hands down. He had asked the big question that defines myself, and gave me insight on my dream. I've always wanted to become a writer, and he encouraged me too believe that I can do it. He said even if I wanted, I could start now and write, and travel and sell my books. I had not realized all that could be accomplished in my dream, i'm thrilled he showed me my options, and gave me courage. Thank you Mr.Chris, I have taken everything into consideration. 

Poem by the poet

"Perfection" "Perfection". Do you exist? Where are you? Where have you gone? Heh. Nothing is perfection. Perfection is only an oppinion. Your oppinion. Saying something is perfect is like saying a balloon never pops. It's unrealistic and only nerve raking to determine the perfection in you or anyone else. You may see a pretty girl and think "she is so perfect". Therefore your wrong behind everyone's exterior there is an interior, and that interior reeks imperfection. Girls like to think their perfect. That they always have perfect hair, have perfect makeup, have the best cliques, do everything perfect. Oh man. If you go along with them In there obvious confusion. That doesn't make you perfect. Nobody's perfect unless you truly believe it without comparing or judging. Inside everyone always has something. Everyone has flaws. Believe that. 

No title needed

I try to block all the negative but I'm as insecure as it comes already. I'm insecure about just about everything. Scratch that, everything. I can't help to listen to justin bieber, and rely for his song his song "hold tight" to save me. I know it's not the same concept, although I take it into my own concept. Forgetting to mention he says dad in almost the whole song. I honestly don't care. All I care about is trying to fight all the negative, ignoring it, pushing it away. Ha. Who am I kidding. I just want to poof. If it were that easy. It's not like any things stopping me. Not that anybody cares.

Nothing but judgment

"Haha! Schmidt. Schmugly. Schfat. Haha!" You see, you can interpret that, THAT was hurtful. Did he? Yes. That's why he kept on with the judgments. Although I kept quite and I (or anyone else) didn't defend myself. Everyone else in this sitch allowed themselves to bystand, and or laugh. I can't comprehend how him of all guys had room to talk about me being fat or unattractive. In my perspective, I don't deserve more heart break. Before you think that he doesn't know. Oh he does. That's why he calls me depressed. He says that I have a depressed life. My friends laugh along with him while I just sit and stare at their amusement. Thanks guys. Way to be an accomplice of an unpopular kid who picks on others to have friends. Appreciate it. *que the tears* 

Who are you?

Relentlessly, for months I had to endure the rumor of my hatred for some girl that I never even said as much as "hi" too. Kelsie, was the the girl who assumed this idea that I hated her and I did several mean things to her. Meanwhile I was liking and commenting on her pictures. Although she never took notice to any of that. I was astonished to hear that the girl who shared the information, Talia, said that she was still going on about our "dispute". I wondered why someone took that much interest in me. I was tired of the ongoing thoughts, so I decided to end it. I asked for her number, and annoyingly enough, she replied. She said "who are you?". I wanted to be kind, I really did, but I came off a bit irritated in my responses so she deleted all my comments. Kelsie and I, have no Kelsie and I.

Madison.

I thirst to write, but bear with me, I suck. Its seems everything I do. It sucks. I will attempt to share as much emotion about every involvement in my life. My life is an open book to anyone who seems to enjoy my blog. I love answering questions, so please comment, and read away.