sister, sister

My sister and I have never been close, like usual siblings. No, we really aren't the usual deal to be truthful. Her name is Niki. She seems to want more time with me, but you know, her business is booming, and she needs too collect her 1,000 dollars every three days. I understand, she has a wife who has to have her necessities. Clearly thanksgiving was yesterday, and my sister joined my father and I for his home-invented peppermint waffles. She stayed for a couple hours, and yet our conversation was very sparse. I felt that she wanted to talk to me, but she didn't know what to say. Maybe she didn't want to say anything. I am just saying, I wish I could of. But if her wife left the room, she held her phone in front of her face, and waited for the beloved to return. They had un-discussed giggles and comments together, and I found it super agitating, so I turned my back to them, frowned and did the dishes. I don't really know her, but her obvious details. Although, everyone knows her obvious details. I am basically everyone else to her. Nothing special usually. Which not to make this about me, but I am beyond used to that attention. "I love you, bye."

hardly anything

I know, I really know I can be better. I will change into the perfect, skinny, loving, smart girl I am dying to be. High school will be my transformation. High school will be where I will change, because change is everything, Change determines your friends, and your social ladder. I can change, because I have never wanted anything this bad before in my entire life.

if you say it, you obviously mean it

I am well aware of weight, everyone who if they even read my blog, know that I am fat. Apparently my own father has too take notice to it also. Now don't misinterpret this, everyone has a slip of the tongue, although when I encounter that slip, it hits me hard. My dad has mentioned my weight and knows I take it personally every time. Anyways, I was talking to him about planing one of my close friends birthdays tomorrow, and somehow money was brought up into the topic. And my loving father, points out my weight once again by saying I quote "Does it look like you miss a meal". I actually do skip meals, I never have breakfast and occasionally, my dad forgets to buy me lunch for school, so that answers the question, I do miss meals. Fat doesn't always relate to how much you eat, you clever man. I notify that i'm overweight but, he has no more for suggestions about my weight. No sir. My dad seems to think I eat everything, so now I will eat nothing.

an unforgettable passing

Everyone losses a friend or even a family member. Sure, typically you lose a grandmother or grandfather from an old age, or a sickness. Well, the others lose aunts or uncles, or cousins, and the unlucky ones lose siblings, or parents. Who did I lose is the big question, well i'll tell you. My mother. My one and only mother. Her name was Paula Blanco. I still relate to her as mommy, because, well she died as my mommy, therefore, she will always be my mommy. She died over four years ago, due her untreatable cancer,which was some type of Ovarian Cancer. She became diagnosed when I was seven. I am now fourteen years old, so that means seven years ago, this whole sickness journey began. My mom had fought that battle for three long, painful years. She had taken more surgery's than one person can handle. But that was the thing, my mom was tough. Believe it or not, she was a good mother, with the craziest, childish personality you could ever notice.
I have, over the years, learned to manage without a mother. Which any teenage girl would understand the struggle. I missed out on her fights, her laughs, her jokes, and her company in general. I needed her. I needed her for my period, for my boy drama, for all my drama, for the sex talk, for the tampon instructions, for the trips to the mall, for the annoying remarks, for everything. Mommy, all I have left to say is, I need you, I miss you, and I love you so much.

unconvenient

I honestly thought that once I became friends with more people I would have more plans. In reality, everyone seems too busy to even consider my plans. This statement obviously sounds like just another complaint. It technically is, but I really want to have friends, have plans, and not be that girl who is fat and sits home all day. I want to change. Can you let me?

The world is harsh

"Maddie"...huh?

I remember mentioning my one and only nickname, "Schmidty". I've grown quite accepting to the ridiculous name, I am past memorizing the damn thing. Truthfully I enjoy it, and use the nickname for several usernames and passwords. Sad right? Back to the point, I did my "Stamp act" presentation by myself, and the child who invented that nickname, I quote said, "Maddie". I was quite thrilled that he was becoming prone to saying my honest nickname. I heard "Maddie" several times this week. I love it when people call me "Schmidty", but hearing my own name coming clear off their tongues was really delightful also. Therefore, "Schmidty" is dying down.