what you'd think

you would think after all this development from 2013, i would be fantastic. sure i pretend not to care, and attempt to fall through with it, but i am. my friends crack under the judgment too, i think that's why they want to follow the popular girls. i think they want to be them, and discard my fat ass, and just be a clone of the "popular's". i don't, i want to be myself, and everyone to be themselves. i need to stop worrying about myself, and what others perception of me is. it should not matter, they are irrelevant. then why do i care. i don't know. i am done caring, im done doing whatever any one else wants, i am going to be me. me it is, all me.

why can't I just die tomorrow.

happy

I am just happy. I am happy more than usual, way more than usual. I have friends, my grades are getting better, and I am trying to not care as much, and quite frankly, it seems to be working in my favor. 

just happy. 

put the pieces together

I tell you that I hate my life

I tell you I hate myself

I tell you I my school 

I tell you I hate not having friends

I tell you I hate not having anyone

I tell you all these things, yet do you catch on?

I tell you all these things, yet do you notice the tears

I tell you all these things, yet do you notice the emotions

I tell you all these things, yet do recognize the pain

I tell you so many different things, and yet you act clueless

I tell you so many different things, and yet you are clueless

I tell you so many different things, and yet you seem clueless

I tell you so many different things, and yet you say nothing

I tell you so many different things, and yet you do nothing

I tell you I need help, and you think I don't need it

I tell you I want help, and you say "why do I need it"

I tell you all these things, and you still don't get it

I want to die, cant you see. 

if I was dead

I can say my goal is to commit suicide. I would, but I still have one thing preventing me from it, my nana. I would kill myself because my life sucks, I get bullied most days, my dad doesn't care about my feelings, everyday, my appearance is ugly, and fat, and I don't have any tight friends to catch my fall if I were to talk to them about suicide. I would already be dead if my nana weren't alive. My nana is the only one I am alive for. My mother died, and dad doesn't give a damn about my thoughts, or feelings, only his own. The choice is clear, if my life is still dangling on the thought of suicide after my grandmother dies, the deed is done. 

If my life gets better, then no need. I can only hope that I grow up, and change my life into a better future. A future that withdraws the bad, and withholds the good, a future that teaches me all the right things, and forgets to mention all the wrong things. I want a better future for myself. 

If I can make it through the teenage years, then I wish to be granted with nothing but good, after all the bad.  

die already

I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want die. I want to die. I want to die.

like a dream

I finally put status behind me, and let the cares go free, and I transformed. I transformed into this half way careless teenager. This Friday I went to see my friends at the movies, and I had the best time. I hadn't worried about a damn thing. Although now, I feel left out somehow. Why you ask? Sure I was invited to that one movie date, but two of the girls hung out all weekend. I am beyond jealous for no reason. I need to get a grip, but my hands are slippery. My grip is broken, like these lingering feelings. I need to chill, and breathe. I need a lot of things, such as a different life.